Missing girl = Bad Parenting

Aruba, Jamaica, I just wanna no gotta go

from JoeUser Forums
I just don't understand what is going on with the current trend of kids going out of the country unsupervised as a graduation thing. When I was in high school, not all that long ago we went on senior trips ranging from a hundred miles or so to at most a Florida or bust trip. Did we do stupid things? Hell yes! We acted crazy, tried to get away with illegal things, and were generally as stupid and irresponsible as we could be. I can't imagine what might have happened if we had gone out of the country where it was legal to drink and easier to do drugs. When you combine that with the ultimate party atmosphere (when you are a teen all that takes is a night club and no parents), you are just asking for trouble.

I'm sure all of the details of the missing girl have not been released. We do know that she left the club with three local guys. Wait! Why didn't her friends didn't do anything to stop her? It was probably because they had been drinking and there judgment was clouded. Surely these "friends" wouldn't let her go off with some strange guys in their home town. Would they? She left the club with people she had just met! What kind of decision making is that? Poor! Very Poor.

She is missing and ultimately it is her parents fault. My parents were strict but fair. When I wanted to go out to prom parties with alcohol, they said NO. Then they offered to let me have a party at our house with alcohol. They arraigned to have a DJ and all of the trimmings. They collected keys at the door. They made sure all parents of the kids knew there would be alcohol. They went up stairs and left us alone (for the most part). They even came down and cooked everyone a lavish breakfast. It was an incredibly fun night but with some supervision. They made sure that we couldn't do anything too stupid. Why? Because, if we were left alone someone could have gotten seriously hurt, come up missing, or even dead.

What is wrong with parents today? Why will they allow someone with a curfew to leave the country unsupervised? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
parenting
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Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Kids today have alot more freedoms than kids in previous generations. It's not necessarily bad parenting that leads them to do stupid things. I've seen teenagers from the 'best of families' get involved with drugs, and other not so savory things. Often it's the crowd they hang around with. Peer pressure can be a very strong influence on the life of a young person. These kids very often lie to their parents as to their whereabouts or who they are hanging out with.
Don't be so quick to condemn the parents that not might be aware as to what is going on.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Don't be so quick to condemn the parents that not might be aware as to what is going on.


I thought being a parent ment being aware of what your children are doing and where they are at. That is their job.

Sorry, If you don't question why your child wants to leave the country unsupervised, that makes you a bad parent.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
18 is a legal adult.  The parents had no say in her decision.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry, If you don't question why your child wants to leave the country unsupervised, that makes you a bad parent.


I would never allow my child to leave the country unless he was on a supervised trip with adults. Am I a good parent now?
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
18 is a legal adult. The parents had no say in her decision.


PuLease. Lets get real. Did she live at home? YES! Did her parents have a say in her decision? YES! (They probably payed for the trip) Let's call an adult an adult and a child a child. If you live at home and can't support yourself, you are a child. You might be able to vote and go to prison but you still can't pay for yourself to live on your own.

This is a major problem in America today. We are raising a crop of people who return home to live with their parents. Why? Because the parents didn't teach them how to make it on their own. They let them go out an make mistakes. The only problem with that is not everybody knows how to learn from their mistakes and not everybody lives to learn from their mistakes.

If she was so responsible (since she was an adult), why did she leave the club with three men she just met? Seems like a childish decision to me.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I would never allow my child to leave the country unless he was on a supervised trip with adults. Am I a good parent now?


That is not the whole of it. Being a parent means being responsible for the life you brought into the world. You are wise to not allow your son out of the country unsupervised, but if you let him run around the house with scissors... What's the point?
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Side note:

I do feel sorry for the parents. I wouldn't wish their situation on anyone, even the worst of parents.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top

PuLease. Lets get real. Did she live at home? YES! Did her parents have a say in her decision? YES! (They probably payed for the trip) Let's call an adult an adult and a child a child. If you live at home and can't support yourself you are a child. You might be able to vote and go to prison but you still can't pay for yourself to live on your own.

It does not matter if you think she was a child or not.  The law saw her as an adult, and hence she needed no one's permission to go.  Period.  She may have lived at home, she may not have.  The parents may have paid for the trip, they may not have.  You are introducing facts not yet in evidence.

And while I lived at home, my parents tried to make me toe  their rules.  But once I turned 18 (still in college BTW), I moved out.  It was tight, but there was nothing they could do.

Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
A) She was 18 and could go where she liked.
B) Kids on senior trips end up going away to college like 3 months later without their parents.
C) The crime rate/disappearance rate is far, far worse at the vast majority of college towns in the US than it is in Aruba.

No offense, but this is a load of crap, like the idiot here at JU that made up all the 'facts' about the little girl in Florida using the computer unsupervised, and then didn't bother to apologize or eat his words when he was proved to be dead wrong.

Be a jerk if you want. Hopefully you won't ever have to deal with no-life, nothing-better-to-do critiques of your parenting skills while you are dealing with the loss of a daughter. You don't know a damn thing about this, and you really shouldn't run your mouth about people who are suffering the worst fear a parent can have until you do.

Even then, it would be crass.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
And that could have happened anywhere.


True. I have heard all of that. If there were supposed to be chaperones, and they let her go... that is the definition of negligence. It still doesn’t change my opinion. The only way to protect this girl would be to have someone on her all the time. One chaperone can’t manage a group of kids. It’s just impossible.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

If she was so responsible (since she was an adult), why did she leave the club with three men she just met? Seems like a childish decision to me.

Being an adult does not confer instant wisdom.  No one is arguing that she may have made a bad choice.  My contention is that it is not the parents fault, as she was a legal, if not mental, adult.

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
But once I turned 18 (still in college BTW), I moved out. It was tight, but there was nothing they could do.


And when I moved out of the house I had to accept responsibility for myself. This girl was a child. In the eyes of the law, yes, she was an adult. But, even as an adult my parents had ways of MAKING me do what they wanted me to do. A good parent is capable of doing that.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
"The only way to protect this girl would be to have someone on her all the time. One chaperone can’t manage a group of kids. It’s just impossible."


Are you a parent? You don't sound like anyone with a clue, honestly. If you think you can hire some bodyguard to go off with your 18 year old kid to college and be "on her all the time" you are nuts. At what age do you suggest cutting the cord?

people's kids are taken right out of their houses in the night in the US. You want to constantly police 18 year olds? Smother your child and treat them like an invalid teacup and see how much MORE damage you do to them.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
A) She was 18 and could go where she liked.
B) Kids on senior trips end up going away to college like 3 months later without their parents.
C) The crime rate/disappearance rate is far, far worse at the vast majority of college towns in the US than it is in Aruba.

All valid points.

You don't know a damn thing about this, and you really shouldn't run your mouth about people who are suffering the worst fear a parent can have until you do.

Call it running my mouth if you want to, but it is my opinion. I am not discounting the fat that they are facing a terrible thing. I am just making the point that at some juncture in this situation they had the ability and the responsibility to stop it from being possible.

I say again. I feel sorry for the parents and would not wish this on any one.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
It's too easy in this case to blame the parents for the girl being just plain stupid. There is a practical and reasonable limit to parental control. At 18, you need to start letting to, they're going to be off at college soon where you have NO oversight or control of their day-to-day activities. It's dangerous to toss a kid straight into that without any preparation. She went on the trip with friends, it wasn't like she left for parts unknown completely alone. For all we know this girl was a very responsible and mature young adult before.

Also, you should KNOW that there is a huge difference between being responsible and being an adult. Responsibility does not go along with age in many many cases. At 15 I was more responsible than many college students. I know a lot of people over the age of 30 who are less responsible than the average teenager.

When you drink, most common sense and sense of responsibility goes out the window. This girl made a very bad decision, one which I'm sure she was lectured on countless times by parents and teachers. Don't go out at night alone.

You can only lock your kids up at home for so long, you can only lecture them so many times before you have to let them go and pray they make the right decisions. There is no magical line, no magical age after which you are "responsible" It's different for each and every person. After a point you have to go out and make your own mistakes. Yeah, some don't learn from them, and they get burned and have to run back for help... there is no shame in that. Some do learn... and sadly some never get the chance to..

Do not take the bad decision making of a legal adult, whom you do not know, and try and make a judgement about the parents. Do you blame your parents for every boneheaded thing you did in college? They let you go without their direct supervision, so anything bad that could have happened while there would have obviously been their fault by your argument.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Are you a parent?


No, but I have fostered children. I have seen, first hand, the results of parents who could give a crap about their child. (I am not saying this couple didn't care about their child. Obviously they were quite involved. She was a good student and other things)

Smother your child and treat them like an invalid teacup and see how much MORE damage you do to them.


I never said that. My parents gave me freedom with limitations.

They made sure that we couldn't do anything too stupid. Why? Because, if we were left alone someone could have gotten seriously hurt, come up missing, or even dead.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
The fact is you have zero evidence that the parents were negligent here. As has been said

-Aruba is probably a thousand time safer in terms of crime than the average college town she'd be going off to alone in a couple of months anyway.

-You have no way of knowing why she went of with whoever she went off with. Adults are forced to go along with people all the times under threat and falsehood. Anything a 30 year old would fall for isn't parental negligence when an 18 year old falls for it or succumbs to it.

To me, this is the same insensitive, mindless punditry I see all the time on TV. Something awful happens, and vultures who need something to grump about pick at it regardless of truth or care about the feelings of the parents.

You gotta blame someone until you get a suspect, right? Might as well be the parents. sad.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I see that no one agrees with me and I really didn't intend to ruffle any one's feathers. However, I won't change my opinion because it doesn't suit you.

I feel sorry for the family.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
I wonder if the average university would give their entire staff the day off to search for a missing person the way the government of Aruba did. There were 100 kids on this trip, she was an 18 year old honor student.

This isn't about ruffled feathers, it is about a totally screwed up perspective on parenting an 18-year-old, or opportunistic criticism. Either way, it is sad that the victimized families have to face this kind of insipid, court tv punditry everytime someone disappears or is murdered.
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
I talked to my 80 year old grandmother from Europe not long ago. She told me what it was like growing up. One thing I found interesting is that she was married at 17, and that was close to being considered an "Old Maid". My other grandmother married at just over 18 and everyone was telling her that she was already too old and would never get married.

So how come people back then seemed to grow up so much faster and now we still feel the need to treat people as kids even after they hit their 20s.

Like Zoomba said, I was very responsible when I was 15 as well. I already started saving for college and looking ahead. I did do stupid things back then but then again I still do stupid things from time to time. People have to start taking responsibility for their own actions and not look to blame others.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
This isn't about ruffled feathers, it is about a totally screwed up perspective on parenting an 18-year-old, or opportunistic criticism.


In your opinion.
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
I just think it's ironic that you accuse the girls parents of "bad parenting" then point out the bad parenting of your own folks.

Excuse my bluntless, but if your parents wouldn't allow you to drink at other people's homes, why did they think it was ok for others to drink in your home. I can see them supplying you with alcohol if they wanted (here in Wisconsin, it's even legal). However, it was both a crime and irresponsible of them to let your friends drink in your home, unsupervised (or only partly). You also say they made you all breakfast. If there were guys and girls and this all night party, did the seperate the sleeping arrangements, or just leave several drunken teens to their own devices, then go to bed themselves, with the door shut.

You can feel sorry for the parents of this girl, and you can point fingers at them and their "friends" all you want. From what I read in this article though, your parents and the girls parents seem to be cut from the same mold.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Let's call an adult an adult and a child a child. If you live at home and can't support yourself, you are a child.


I know a few 35 year olds who would disagree with you (chuckle)
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
From what I read in this article though, your parents and the girls parents seem to be cut from the same mold.


So you agree that her parents were bad?

Excuse my bluntless, but if your parents wouldn't allow you to drink at other people's homes, why did they think it was ok for others to drink in your home.


The alternate was to go to the many parties that were being thrown in hotel rooms that were completely unsupervised. I think my parents chose the lesser of two evils. Of course, you do have a point. Letting kids drink while partially supervised could be considered irresponsible. At least my parents offered an alternative that allowed me and other kids to not get behind the wheel of a car. They gave us a place to have a party. They didn't spend the night upstairs with the door closed. My dad spent the better portion of the night trying to fix damage that had been done to one of the kid’s cars so he wouldn't get in trouble. (he backed into our mailbox on the way to prom) My mom came in and checked on us quite often. Go figure, she was a welcome addition to the party. Could be because no one there had to worry about getting in trouble for what they were doing because their parents already knew what was going on. And really, there wasn't enough alcohol there to allow any one person to get too drunk and my parents were involved enough to make sure that didn't happen. I think with the other possibilities, they provided a much safer alternative while still allowing us to have fun.

My point is simple. The parents had to have known that sending their child to another country could be dangerous. If they had a gut reaction that said she shouldn't go, I'll bet they wish they had said no now. Life is filled with coulda, shoulda, wouldas. Regardless of what anyone says this girl was a child. Knowledge comes with wisdom, wisdom comes with age.