The Penis Monologue
A lone penis in the wilderness trying to make his voice heard
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Hi all. Toblerone has decided to take the day off. So today I, his penis, shall be writing an article instead.
It has come to my attention that my female counterpart, or rather counterbodypart, has had remarkable success with a stage act called The Vagina Monologues. Now I’m not as smart as a vagina, because I do all of my thinking with myself, but today I’ll have a crack at The Penis Monologue:
“As a penis you hear a lot of talk about size. I’ve heard that 25% of all men are unhappy with the size of my penile brethren. I am happy to report that my owner has never had any problems with my ruler measurements (note: I will firmly deny any claim that he measures me with a ruler – but he does, often, I think there may be something seriously wrong with him mentally, but I digress). On the other hand he has had some rather nasty things to say about my measurements with a protractor. One of these nasty comments was something along the lines of “If I ever get a chance to use you [for your reproductive purpose, as oppose to what I normally do with you, which is probably illegal in some of the southern states of America] it’s going to be like learning to reverse parallel park all over again.”
*Humph* and he calls me a prick. If he ever does get a chance to use me I might go on strike just to spite him. “Better bent and stiff than straight and flaccid dumbarse!” I would shout as he looks down at me with anger and resentment. Admittedly this would be like cutting off my foreskin to spite my...err..*finds a medical dictionary and gets a vagina to read it out for him* glans, as I long to go on vacation somewhere wet, dark and warm.”
*Quiver*
It has come to my attention that my female counterpart, or rather counterbodypart, has had remarkable success with a stage act called The Vagina Monologues. Now I’m not as smart as a vagina, because I do all of my thinking with myself, but today I’ll have a crack at The Penis Monologue:
“As a penis you hear a lot of talk about size. I’ve heard that 25% of all men are unhappy with the size of my penile brethren. I am happy to report that my owner has never had any problems with my ruler measurements (note: I will firmly deny any claim that he measures me with a ruler – but he does, often, I think there may be something seriously wrong with him mentally, but I digress). On the other hand he has had some rather nasty things to say about my measurements with a protractor. One of these nasty comments was something along the lines of “If I ever get a chance to use you [for your reproductive purpose, as oppose to what I normally do with you, which is probably illegal in some of the southern states of America] it’s going to be like learning to reverse parallel park all over again.”
*Humph* and he calls me a prick. If he ever does get a chance to use me I might go on strike just to spite him. “Better bent and stiff than straight and flaccid dumbarse!” I would shout as he looks down at me with anger and resentment. Admittedly this would be like cutting off my foreskin to spite my...err..*finds a medical dictionary and gets a vagina to read it out for him* glans, as I long to go on vacation somewhere wet, dark and warm.”
*Quiver*
- good one...