AOL Funnies

Because every forum has to have em!!

Because every forums has to have one of these threads taking the **** out of AOL!!





If AOL Built Cars



Top 21 Reasons Why not to Use America On Line



1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.


2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.


3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.


4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.


5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.


6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.


7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots' of pretty colors and lights.


8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.


9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.


10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car from them.


11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.


12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.


13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.


14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.


15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.


16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.


17. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.


18. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.


19. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."


20. The AOL car would emit an odorless gas in the car so the owner would think there AOL cars were the only ones made and that they are lucky to own one!


21. If you ever DO manage to get rid of your AOL car, it will have altered your driveway and garage so much that you won't be able to drive any other car.



Sad part about it is a lot of it is true and AOL users don't know any better. ;(
11,974 views 6 replies
Reply #1 Top
Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park

14. "Twice as many rides -- all 40% slower!!"

13. The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.

12. The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.

11. Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.

10. The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."

9. Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.

8. None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.

7. A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.

6. Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.

5. Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.

4. The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.

3. You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.

2. "We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."

1. IT'S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!
Reply #2 Top
If AOL Were a City

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.getlaid.com

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

The local post office wouldn't forward your mail to you when you move.

The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna SCREW?"

Those that didn't do that would call you and say "Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

You'd occasionally be sent home during the day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised, fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, dickface. ROFLMAO LOL!!"

You'd send your kids to school for history, math, and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

The administration would build a huge, state- of- the- art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the kids currently playing there.

Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDAMN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMMOROW."

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
Reply #5 Top
If AOL made Gal Civ 2   


You spend 10 minutes trying to connect to the metaverse to find out that it is down for maintance.

One of the main advertisement points is that you can use a mouse.

When you first install GC2, it asks how old you are, if you are under 18 the game will not allow you to see ships blow up.


If you choose an evil race, an evil planet choice or trade with an evil race, you will be banned


Patches remove a mod editor and a fleet manager because they wanted to make room for the "Report Evil" button.

All of the alien races view screen images are of 14 year old girls.

They re-released GalCiv 1 and replaced the Galaxy Setup menu with an advertisement calling it "A game for super awesome radical teenagers that includes advanced graphics and a riveting story line."

To watch to opening movie, you have to download 3 different third party programs.

They make Galciv Music, a subscription service that lets you listen to the music from GalCiv 1 and 2.

After every post on the board from Frogboy a message says:"This post has been translated from Chinese to English." This explains why half of the post isn't translated and the other is in French.

You go to the mail box the next day and find 4 cds that each contain a demo of GalCiv 2. It lets you play for 2500 hours, as long as you stop before the end of the day and cancel your subscription or else you will be charged $21.95 a game.

When you call up AOL to cancel your subsription to GC2 the line goes dead.

When you uninstall GC2, the uninstaller crashes at 98%.

You post on this board asking why you can't win and you are told that it's not the games fault; you need to reinstall the OS.
Reply #6 Top
LMAO

Very good!!