Is it that uncommon?

from JoeUser Forums
I get the impression...

From the way the daycare workers go out of their way and give me and my boys special treatment...

Because my unit doesn't have a unified policy to handle my situation...

Is a military father being involved in the lives of his children after divorce this rare? I can't imagine not having the relationship with my sons that I now have, and I wouldn't give it up unless I was forced, I became convinced it wasn't good for them, or they became old enough to choose otherwise... and any of those three situations would tear me apart.

Guys who aren't involved with their kids don't know what they're missing... I know what I'm missing, though. I'm not the primary custodial parent, so I get the weekends and summer (the "fun times" as the mediator reminded me when I pushed for more time with them; I immediately offered to swap with my wife so that she could have the "fun time" and I could take care of them the other 2/3. She of course refused) which is great, really, but I miss out. I'm jealous of Texas Wahine because she gets to be there for her boys in Scouting; I know she wishes that her husband was home to do it just like I wish I was around my sons to do it for them.

Any sort of scheduling with the boys is complicated for me, because of my job, because I'm not used to taking them into account. I think I could be a better parent if I were doing it full time. I get unused to taking care of them in the 12 days between our usual visits so it seems more of a burden than it is, but I just keep in mind how important they are to me and how important I hope I am to them.

They're my little monkeys. I feel like I'm an oddity to people who see me with them, without their mother around. But I'll take that, I guess, because I'm with them and I'm enjoying my "Daddy time."
parenting
5,842 views 19 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I feel like I'm an oddity to people who see me with them, without their mother around.


You are just being self conscious for no good reason, stop being so and enjoy the moments.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
You are just being self conscious for no good reason, stop being so and enjoy the moments.


While your advice is sound, you come off as bluntly judgemental (not only here, but on dharma's most recent article as well).


I just spent some time with my sons at the pool and met a woman who was spending time with her three kids, trying to figure out when (if?) their father was going to pick them up for the summer. I just can't understand how someone wouldn't want to spend time with their kids. I just don't get it.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Unfortunately, I read somewhere that half of divorced dad's haven't seen their kids in the last year. I would guess that it's even higher for military divorced dads but I don't know that for a fact. It is so sad for the kids and someday the dads will figure out what they missed out on.

That is one of the reasons I stayed in my marriage, I just wanted better for my boys. I know there are exceptions but in most second marriages, it seems like the kids get the shaft. I know that isn't true in every case but in so many that I see it is. I guess a lot of dads just don't want to deal with the ex even if that means they don't see their kids anymore. Really it doesn't seem like you see a dad out with their kids by themselves as much as you see moms out with the kids and no dad.

Enjoy the time you do have with them. I think you are a great dad and they are lucky to have you even if it isn't every day.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have to say that as a home daycare provider I always seem to be more impressed with an involved, hands-on dad. I guess we just expect it from the moms and don't think twice about it. There have been kids that I have cared for for over a year and I never even met the dad and these were intact families that the dad was at home, he just never brought them to care or picked them up. Apparently, that's usually mom's job. It's just sad that they don't even care to meet the person that their kid is spending a huge chunk of their lives with.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
you come off as bluntly judgemental (not only here, but on dharma's most recent article as well).


well then kiss my oh so sexy blunt ass It aint gonna change for you.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

well then kiss my oh so sexy blunt ass

Whatever.  Not shy about tooting your own horn, are you?

 

Miah, it's not uncommon at all.  One of my best friends at our last base was a single dad of 2, and I know of another three dads who have their children living with them at least 75% of the time. 

I think that people are suprised by your enthisiasm.  You actually give a rat's ass about you boys and truly enjoy being with them, and that takes people aback, I think.  I personally think it's admirable and should be the standard for other dads to follow. 

I'm very proud of you, 'miah.  You're awesome.

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
It aint gonna change for you.


Then I have no qualms in telling you to FOAD.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Then I have no qualms in telling you to FOAD.


Translates "Fuck off and die" ..how nice! I am not ready to die asshat. It is about time you learnt some manners and tolerance of people around you. You are humorless and deserve what comes your way.

vos es stultus quod a canis
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Whatever. Not shy about tooting your own horn, are you?


Not shy no, when trying to be friendly on an article that is on a public domain.

Your response and that of Pseudosoldier's are just plain mean and intolerant. There was not one nasty word in my words to the man, and there was humor there too. You are both unfriendly, intolerant pigs.

I will certainly not be paying my respects on your posts again. Eat shit both of you then sit on the finger and spin! I hope it hurts bad.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
It is about time you learnt some manners and tolerance of people around you.


I pointed out that your initial reaction was judgemental; you responded that you weren't about to change for me, even though you had told me to change my behavior. I told you off and attempted to blacklist you (which seems not to work under the forums). If you don't return I believe I'll be better off, yes.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Reading this, nothings changed on site then? Heads still bang together? hahahahaha

It is nice to see a dad taking an interest in his kids. My kids dad never wanted a thing to do with her and refused to acknowledge her existence a real sob. She is 20 now and has met him for all of 5 minutes, with no further contact.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
It is nice to see a dad taking an interest in his kids. My kids dad never wanted a thing to do with her and refused to acknowledge her existence a real sob. She is 20 now and has met him for all of 5 minutes, with no further contact.


I feel sad when I read this, not only for your daughter but for her father as well. I'm sure you have done (and continue to do) everything you can to get her to know that she's loved regardless of his lack of involvement, and there's certainly nothing you could do to make him want to be involved. It's unfortunte in my view, because I can't help but feel that two involved, loving parents has got to be better than one.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
because I can't help but feel that two involved, loving parents has got to be better than one.


Without a doubt this is so.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
sorry, late coming to this apparently, but to address the original post....

from the experiences I had working in the schools back in Texas, and even with the kids I worked with at church, the kids whose parents were divorced or separated generally did not spend alot of time with their fathers. I agree that they are missing out, and their children are definately missing out. You however, are an exceptional example of what a parent should be regardless of the situation they find themselves in.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
I really wish it was not uncommon.  While not military, I could not think of ever walking away from my kids as well.  Sadly, I am finding that I am an oddity as well.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Late tot he party on this one too but it is somewhat uncommon simply due to the fact that many military fathers don't get to live anywhere near their kids. One PCS overseas or one ex-spouse move across the country and the situation quickly can become untenable.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
many military fathers don't get to live anywhere near their kids. One PCS overseas or one ex-spouse move across the country and the situation quickly can become untenable.


I'm not looking forward to it, certainly. There's a decent chance that she'll move them to the DC metro area before I PCS from here, but it's very unlikely that I could get stationed within easy driving distance of there. East coast almost definitely, but then I still have to juggle deployment schedules in order to see them.

We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll just get better at writing letters to them.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
In today's world with the divorce rate being what it is, it could be deem uncommon for a dad to be so involved, a single dad that is. It think it's great that you are and your boys will be better for it. Keep doing what you're doing and you might not be able to spend every moment, but the ones you do, does count in their eyes I'm sure!