Toblerone gets in touch with his inner angry+bitter old man

letters of complaint

from JoeUser Forums

I am only 25 but inside me is the soul of a bitter and twisted old man. The following are letters of complaint written by my inner old man. Don't take it too seriously, I'm not in a bad mood at all despite evidence to the contrary.

Dear Music Industry,

You have proved to me that history does indeed repeat itself. History is apparently just one shit cover version after another.

Please write some new songs. I don't mean steal and old tunes and put new lyrics to them. I mean actually write new songs with new music. I wasn't fooled when you put new lyrics to "If I were a rich man". I'm sure your target demographic was, but then again how old are they? Two or three max.

Seriously if I catch you pulling that shit again I going to shove copies of Vitamin C's "Graduation song" up your collective arses. Maybe then you'll think twice before ruining classical music.

The really scary thing is I'm hearing tunes that don't sample the orignal songs, they are sampling the remixes of cover versions. It is like some perverse musical game of chinese whispers.

Oh and give me something I can sing to for crying out loud.

Eat shit and die,

Old man 'rone

Dear "Cool" Teenagers,

You have spikey coloured hair, piercings, skanky clothes, a "wealth" of blissful ignorance (that you wear as a badge of honour) and mobile phones with really fucking annoying ring tones. This doesn't make you rugged individualists. It makes you metally defective conformists. Everybody rebels in the same way. You may as well wear a fucking suit and tie.

please die,

Old man 'rone

P.S. Those other kids you keep teasing will be your bosses one day.

Dear Hot Natural Readheads,

Yes we know you got made fun of in primary school. Who looks stupid now though? Please stop dying your hair blonde. Blondes are a dime a dozen. Blondes are generic. We don't need any more blondes. Not to say I don't like blondes, I love blondes, but a hot natural redhead has rarity value that far supasses anything else the universe has created or will create.

Keep it real,

Dirty old man 'rone

Dear Men with comb-overs,

What do you think leaves you with less dignity?: a) A bald head or b) a comb-over that flaps around in the wind and makes you look utterly pathetic.
Face it, you're not fooling anybody.

Happy hair cuts,

Old man 'rone

Dear Emos,

Remember to slash diagonally not across. I'm afraid you rather annoy me, you floppy haired, depressed, self-obsessed, pretentious fucks.

Life really is a dark abyss and there is only one escape,

Old man 'rone

Dear Traffic Light window washers,

So you are actually trying to work for a living and we are meant to respect that right? After all you could just beg for money. Get this though: I can clean my windscreen for FREE at any local service station or even, how's this for amazing, at home. If I give you money it is out of the kindness of my own black withered heart, not because you are providing some vital exclusive service. How about offering a service people can't get for free?

Next time one of you try it I'll run you over and get another one of you to clean the bloody mess off my car for sheer irony value.

I'm evil, don't piss me off,

Old man 'rone

Dear Planet Earth,

I know giving birth to the human species was unplanned. How do you feel about retro-active abortion?

Curious,

Old man 'rone

humor
25,309 views 20 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Lots of anger old man. But lots of laugh and truth to it as well!  
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
(holds up a lighter and sways with the rant-winds)
Star Control: Origins
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
And I thought I was the one getting conservative!

Funny, though I disagree with a number of opinions. I like cover versions. They don't stop you enjoying the original.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

*applause*

Rant on, rant on.

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
*applause*


Bravo, bravisimo!

Just poignant.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh, that's good quality stuff right there.

~Zoo
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
This was truly great! You had me rolling on everything you said! Let's see him more often, old man 'rone...he's smart (a smart ass too!) that one!!
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dr. Guy:
Lots of anger old man. But lots of laugh and truth to it as well!


Glad you enjoyed it.

Greywar:
(holds up a lighter and sways with the rant-winds)


See above


Champas
And I thought I was the one getting conservative!Funny, though I disagree with a number of opinions. I like cover versions. They don't stop you enjoying the original.


If we start agreeing totally on everything I will get very scared Especially as you are a loony right winger

BlueDev:
*applause*Rant on, rant on.


hold the applause, I am but a humble god who speaks for the people


*applause*Bravo, bravisimo!Just poignant.


See above

Oh, that's good quality stuff right there. ~Zoo


You are most kind.


This was truly great! You had me rolling on everything you said! Let's see him more often, old man 'rone...he's smart (a smart ass too!) that one!!


If and when he gets the urge I'll bring him back. Thanks.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Awesome.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Awesome


Glad you think so.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think I am in love with your inner angry bitter old man! hahaha

I enjoyed reading this, it said a lot of what some of us think but do not say!
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Good potential there tomberone.... now all you need is to add some serious age and walla..... grumpy old man..

from a real grumpy old man to you.

MM
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think I am in love with your inner angry bitter old man! hahaha I enjoyed reading this, it said a lot of what some of us think but do not say!


Thank you kindly new reader.

Good potential there tomberone.... now all you need is to add some serious age and walla..... grumpy old man..from a real grumpy old man to you.MM


All have to do is continue my hobby of not dying for as long as possible.....
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
All have to do is continue my hobby of not dying for as long as possible.....


I heard that is what causes old age.  
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
I heard that is what causes old age.


I maintain that is caused by learning to count. Luckily I went to public school
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh, so much juicy stuff in this. I'm really sorry I didn't see it earlier (no, really!)

I don't like cover versions unless they're done by a cover band on a night when the happy hour extends all night and everyone gets really trashed and thinks they're the best dancer in the world (not that I'd know). My band has a couple of cover versions is does (a rewrite of Del Shannon's 'Runaway' done as a ska song and a rewrite of The Specials 'Message To Rudi'). These are nods to our influences but we have no desire or plans to record and release either. For us, it is just a fun peice of music to play.

As for hot redheads who dye their hair blonde, tell me who they are and I will give them a sound spanking (no, seriously, tell me). Hot redheads are the hottest of the hot, as far as I'm concerned and are a rarity. They should be preserved, numbered and put in a place for safekeeping (I'm happy to volunteer my home).

Very cool rant, old man 'rone.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks maso!

I don't hate ALL cover versions by the way. What I hate is people who make cover versions and either a) Make it worse b) make it exactly the same. It seems today we are assaulted with millions of superfluous cover versions. There are many examples of cover versions I think are actually better than the originals (especially songs by people who can't sing like Dylan and Lou Reed), but these days it doesn't seem to happen much.

In fact I don't even hate sampling in its entirety but these days sampling is often done out of laziness rather than any real attempt to bring new life out of old material. Daft Punk for example have produced some cracking good stuff using samples (like Harder Better Faster Stronger) same goes for Moby.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't hate all cover versions either. I am also a fan of live sampling, that is, bands who mix in a lines and musical phrasings from recognisable songs with their own material. This is something we as a band are very keen on doing. I was having a discussion with a friend recently and was telling him about this. He said to me "oh, but that isn't sampling, that's just being clever". I disagreed with him because, as I see it, whether I'm playing it or our DJ is cutting it in from the original, it is still a sample.

I agree with you about there being far too many superfluous covers in the market. I can imagine a record company exec liking the idea because the song is tried and tested. All he or she has to do is update it and spend money on an overly-austentacious video and it is a hit. Just look at what Jessica Simpson did with 'These Boots Are Made For Walking'. It was crap yet it still became a hit. Makes me cringe just writing about it.

Daft Punk for example have produced some cracking good stuff using samples (like Harder Better Faster Stronger) same goes for Moby.


As have Beastie Boys, Run DMC, The Avalanches and DJ Katalyst.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
As have Beastie Boys, Run DMC, The Avalanches and DJ Katalyst.


Them too, the first three are in my collection - I don't know the last one though. Oh and as a child of the 80's Big Audio Dynamite, Del La Soul (a fair amount of "old School" hip hop actually) - the list goes on and on really but that would get boring.

Just look at what Jessica Simpson did with 'These Boots Are Made For Walking'. It was crap yet it still became a hit. Makes me cringe just writing about it.


That was the first superfluous cover that came to my head actually. I thought the original was pretty shit to start with I was amazed that it could be made worse!

I am also a fan of live sampling, that is, bands who mix in a lines and musical phrasings from recognisable songs with their own material.


Have you seen Beardy Man? Mixes beatbox and live sampling. Though personally I think he is better in small portions as a comedy novelty act than from a purely musical perspective.

So all in all you can see I was being hyperbolic in my critisism. It was really just a stab at the mainstream industry. Qualifiers don't make for good humour though.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
I forgot about B.A.D. (I saw them live at the ANU years ago - very cool) and Del La Soul. DJ Katalyst is a local DJ. His last album 'Dusted', which is really a mix tape of other tracks, is a beauty and features some rare grooves. If you're interested and can't find it, let me know and I'll see if I can.

That was the first superfluous cover that came to my head actually. I thought the original was pretty shit to start with I was amazed that it could be made worse!


Hmm, that is coincidental (rather that weird or 'spooky'). Unlike you, I happen to like the Nancy Sinatra version. My Mum was a Nancy fan when I was growing up.

I've not seen Beardy Man. In fact, I've not heard of him either. Is he a local artist? From your description, he does sound like a bit of a novelty act. Still, I'd like to check him out.

It was really just a stab at the mainstream industry.


And they need a good stabbing too. I can't believe some of the outright trash getting played on radio and music television. I can't believe some of this stuff is actually being signed to major labels and offered large contracts. But then, I'm a bitter musician with nothing better to do than gripe about how hard I've got it

Qualifiers don't make for good humour though


What do ya mean?