How to sanitize your expletives
A guide for beginning writers
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Don't use the word "fuck"! Whatever you do, don't! Instead, you need to learn how to sanitize this and other expletives so you come across as a sensitive, thoughtful, brilliant writer who has a good grasp of the Engrish language. (For today's discussion, however, we'll stick to the word "fuck." It's such a fun one.)
For starters, here are the main options you can use to avoid this particular ostentatious and bellicose word and replacing it with a softer, more cuddly form.
Vegemize This is purposefully misspelling to give the reader the idea that you, the author, are not ignorant, illiterate, a member of a gang, listen to the band "Ludacris" or Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi," or have other issues with the Engrish language. Tasteful options include "fukk," "fuuk," "fcuk" (wait, no, that's a British clothing line, isn't it?), "fsck" (for the nerds--fsck is a Linux command), "fuk," and more. (Note: The terms "frickin'," "friggin'," and other variants are only acceptable when you know how to use the word "fuck" but choose to vegemize it for the purpose of conveying a less serious argument. Beginning vegemizers need not attempt.)
Asteriskize This is the common newspaper (AP) style, when journalists deem it necessary to include an expletive but want to preserve the poor reader's dignity by not showing them how to spell it. A blogger using this method shows their sensitivity for the delicate ears who frequent this forum. The example of asteriskizing is "f***".
Hyphenize Similar to vegemizing, hyphenizing shows the writer's unwillingness to spell the word; moreover, it displays the writer's very laudable laziness and apathy in learning the correct spelling. The example is, of course, "f-ing." Moreover, the writer displays her Engrish skills by not only not knowing how to spell the word, but also by creating a spelling for the misspelling: "effing." Congratulations and accolades are in order for this creativity. You're voluntarily de-evolutionizing the English language by taking it back to a time when illiteracy was the norm and priests had to read the Bible for us. But life was better back then and more people were enlightened, so I suppose you could win a Nobel Prize.
Apostrophize This is a relatively new bastardization of the word "fuck." Similar to hyphenizing, apostrophizing is using an apostrophe in lieu of a hyphen, ergo "f'ing." Grammatically speaking, apostrophes are more correct than hyphens when a writer is leaving out letters in a word, i.e. "don't" or "nat'l" instead of "national." Technically the writers using this term are only slightly less illiterate than those using the hyphenated form.
If you were truly worried about offending your readers, I'm sure you'd mark your articles as "adult content" if "fuck" slipped in there. (Oops, shame on me. I meant "fuk," or "fukk," or "f***.")
Thank you for your sensitivity. I'm sure it's truly appreciated by other beginning writers, and I doubt any seasoned writers begrudge you these efforts, ya weenies.
For starters, here are the main options you can use to avoid this particular ostentatious and bellicose word and replacing it with a softer, more cuddly form.
Vegemize This is purposefully misspelling to give the reader the idea that you, the author, are not ignorant, illiterate, a member of a gang, listen to the band "Ludacris" or Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi," or have other issues with the Engrish language. Tasteful options include "fukk," "fuuk," "fcuk" (wait, no, that's a British clothing line, isn't it?), "fsck" (for the nerds--fsck is a Linux command), "fuk," and more. (Note: The terms "frickin'," "friggin'," and other variants are only acceptable when you know how to use the word "fuck" but choose to vegemize it for the purpose of conveying a less serious argument. Beginning vegemizers need not attempt.)
Asteriskize This is the common newspaper (AP) style, when journalists deem it necessary to include an expletive but want to preserve the poor reader's dignity by not showing them how to spell it. A blogger using this method shows their sensitivity for the delicate ears who frequent this forum. The example of asteriskizing is "f***".
Hyphenize Similar to vegemizing, hyphenizing shows the writer's unwillingness to spell the word; moreover, it displays the writer's very laudable laziness and apathy in learning the correct spelling. The example is, of course, "f-ing." Moreover, the writer displays her Engrish skills by not only not knowing how to spell the word, but also by creating a spelling for the misspelling: "effing." Congratulations and accolades are in order for this creativity. You're voluntarily de-evolutionizing the English language by taking it back to a time when illiteracy was the norm and priests had to read the Bible for us. But life was better back then and more people were enlightened, so I suppose you could win a Nobel Prize.
Apostrophize This is a relatively new bastardization of the word "fuck." Similar to hyphenizing, apostrophizing is using an apostrophe in lieu of a hyphen, ergo "f'ing." Grammatically speaking, apostrophes are more correct than hyphens when a writer is leaving out letters in a word, i.e. "don't" or "nat'l" instead of "national." Technically the writers using this term are only slightly less illiterate than those using the hyphenated form.
If you were truly worried about offending your readers, I'm sure you'd mark your articles as "adult content" if "fuck" slipped in there. (Oops, shame on me. I meant "fuk," or "fukk," or "f***.")
Thank you for your sensitivity. I'm sure it's truly appreciated by other beginning writers, and I doubt any seasoned writers begrudge you these efforts, ya weenies.
Hierarchy, schmierarchy.