LOL @ all of them guys, awesome stuff!

Going out for the night we were dressed and ready to go out for the party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Guy's Favourite Retirement Joke

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' 
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'

The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

I can see Panda's!!!!

Newspaper Clippings

Where ya been, Wiz?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are
there any Jewish people in Mexico?" Sid replied. "I don't know, why
don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are
there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know Senor, let me ask," the waiter
replied, and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No sir, No, Mexican Jews." "Are
you sure?" Al asked.
I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews
in Mexico. Our
people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews." "Are you
really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican
Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange
Jews, prune Jews,tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of
Mexican Jews!

Doc!! that's just so... so GAY! . not that there's anything wrong with that - 'Seinfeld'.

HEHEHE Nice ones Wiz!

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

Johnny's Camp Trip
 

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

hehehehe

You awake Shaunna??? it's not even 7 yet and I'm up

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven 
dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

 Grumpy leads the pack.

 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

 Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in 
Rome ?'

 The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and 
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '

 In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

 Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

 Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
 Europe ?'

 The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, 
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

 Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

 Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere 
in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there 
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

 The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the 
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

 
Bathtub Test   ( of course, I flunked this test!!!lol!!)

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. 
  During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."





"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

LMAO!!!! too funny teddy!!!

How Many Forum Members Does it take to change a light bulb? An Allegory

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

1 to move it to the Lighting section after 2 have argued to move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop

4 to say that they've been disappointed in Lightbulb Live for the last 4 years

12 to ask why those 4 keep going to Lightbulb Live only to complain about it

1 to break the news about the new limited release light bulb

1 to post that the news was already broken in another thread and start a poll about reading entire threads

12 to post that they shouldn't mention limited releases because someone might buy them to resell 1 to insist he has every right to buy and sell lightbulbs

1 to obsessively insist that no-one should make profit from lightbulbs on this forum

5 to post that they've collected 11 of the limited edition lightbulbs already so might as well get the whole set.

32 to not bother posting because there's no post count showing anymore

8 to say that their electric company sent them 4 free lightbulbs, when quite clearly they would have preferred the moon on a stick.

6 to post thinly veiled criticisms of forum staff's management of lightbulbs

15 to post that forum staff can do exactly as they want with their own lightbulbs 6 to pretend they were just asking innocent questions about lightbulb management and didn't do anything wrong

1 to ask that forum staff backup all mention of lightbulbs so they can write a book about their really interesting life with lightbulbs

11 to reply that it's not a personal lightbulb anecdote storage facility

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including pictures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Better they should stand barefoot in salt water and stick wet fingers in the socket! See who lights up first...them or the clients. 

Ireland attacks.

Osama was sitting in his office wondering who to terrorise next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Bin Laden!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my organisation waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Bin Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my organisation to 1-1/2 million men since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Bin Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my organisation to TWO MILLION men!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Bin Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."