Pope Revokes Premarital Sex Rule
Offers to Sanctify Will Smith
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JoeUser Forums
March 1, 2005
The Vatican
Pope John Paul II shocked the Catholic world today when he lifted the Catholic Church's ancient ban on premarital sex.
"We, as Catholics, are at a crossroad, where we must choose to embrace one evil so that it may help us strike down another," the Pope reportedly said. Although reporters could not make sense of the Pope's slurred mumbles, we were quickly reassured by one of his attendants.
The Pope elaborated on his landmark decision for about an hour, explaining that in the hopes of striking homosexuality from the Earth, he encouraged Catholics everywhere to shag as much as possible, as early as possible, with members of the opposite sex.
"We must embrace the lesser of two evils," the Pope reportedly said. "We must encourage children to constantly feel up members of the opposite sex. The earlier we affirm this behavior, the more effective we will be in combating the urge towards 'experimentation' that so often afflicts teenagers and young adults, and which invariably continues as a force of habit until they are consigned to the fiery depths of Hell."
"And who knows," the Pope added, "They might end up marrying each other anyways--If they're any good!"
The Pope then broke out laughing at his own punch line, high-fiving a couple of his assistants.
The Pope then unveiled his "Nuns of Fun," a band of converted Hooters girls whom the Pope assured everyone had been converted to the ways of the Lord.
"We will dispatch them to our private schools around the world to show young men exactly how women can improve their lives." the Pope said.
When asked about a similar squadron of sex appeal for young ladies, the Pope spoke of a group of "sexy priests," although he was quick to mention that maybe priests should lay low and not stir up the sexual radar for a couple of years.
Having introduced all of his important reforms, the Pope turned to the final part of his proposal, one that certainly everyone can agree with: The sanctification of Will Smith.
"What this man has done is absolutely incredible." the Pope said. "Coining the phrase 'Gettin' jiggy with it!' Is there a greater service to mankind??? No longer are we mired with sick, colloquial terms for copulation like "sex" or "[expletive]" or "[expletive] the [expletive] out of [expletive]." Now we can just say we're gettin' jiggy with it. It brings a new level of class to the subject."
According to the Pope, Smith would be named St. Will to the Smizzle, and would be the Patron Saint of Smooth.
Smith could not be reached for comment.
The Vatican
Pope John Paul II shocked the Catholic world today when he lifted the Catholic Church's ancient ban on premarital sex.
"We, as Catholics, are at a crossroad, where we must choose to embrace one evil so that it may help us strike down another," the Pope reportedly said. Although reporters could not make sense of the Pope's slurred mumbles, we were quickly reassured by one of his attendants.
The Pope elaborated on his landmark decision for about an hour, explaining that in the hopes of striking homosexuality from the Earth, he encouraged Catholics everywhere to shag as much as possible, as early as possible, with members of the opposite sex.
"We must embrace the lesser of two evils," the Pope reportedly said. "We must encourage children to constantly feel up members of the opposite sex. The earlier we affirm this behavior, the more effective we will be in combating the urge towards 'experimentation' that so often afflicts teenagers and young adults, and which invariably continues as a force of habit until they are consigned to the fiery depths of Hell."
"And who knows," the Pope added, "They might end up marrying each other anyways--If they're any good!"
The Pope then broke out laughing at his own punch line, high-fiving a couple of his assistants.
The Pope then unveiled his "Nuns of Fun," a band of converted Hooters girls whom the Pope assured everyone had been converted to the ways of the Lord.
"We will dispatch them to our private schools around the world to show young men exactly how women can improve their lives." the Pope said.
When asked about a similar squadron of sex appeal for young ladies, the Pope spoke of a group of "sexy priests," although he was quick to mention that maybe priests should lay low and not stir up the sexual radar for a couple of years.
Having introduced all of his important reforms, the Pope turned to the final part of his proposal, one that certainly everyone can agree with: The sanctification of Will Smith.
"What this man has done is absolutely incredible." the Pope said. "Coining the phrase 'Gettin' jiggy with it!' Is there a greater service to mankind??? No longer are we mired with sick, colloquial terms for copulation like "sex" or "[expletive]" or "[expletive] the [expletive] out of [expletive]." Now we can just say we're gettin' jiggy with it. It brings a new level of class to the subject."
According to the Pope, Smith would be named St. Will to the Smizzle, and would be the Patron Saint of Smooth.
Smith could not be reached for comment.
