Beards!!! Can Be Funny Things
especially white ones.
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Okay, so I commenced to growing a beard because shaving of late was giving me a rash that could become quite sore, and I got enough problems with sore that I didn't need that as well. Thing is, the beard didn't grow as I'd expected.
To cut a long [and largely fictional] story short, it's a different colour to my hair, which is still my natural brown. No, my beard turned out white, just like Santa's... which gave me an idea, short-lived as it was. Yeah, I got a white beard so why don't I audition for the role of Santa at the local shopping centre? All I'd have to do is put on the suit, a white wig and the Santa hat and I'd be the genuine article Yeah right!!
Anyhow, I got all dressed up in the suit and waited for centre management to come down. All went well to begin with and they even said I was the most likely candidate... until I was asked my age. When I said 63 going on 64, they said: "Oh, we were thinking of somebody much younger."
"What", I thought: "somebody much younger?" I thought it didn't quite fit the profile. Santa's an old geezer, and I'm an old geezer, so wot's the problem? By then my mind had started wandering and I'm thinking they're thinking something quite sinister, like I'm just a dirty ol' man or summat, so I asked: "So wot, you thinkin' I might be a dirty ol' man or summat?"
"Oh no, it's nothing like that. We just think a much younger man would stand up better... er' sit better to the rigours of having hundreds of kids sitting on their knee day after day."
"Bollocks", I said: how do you figure that when you can't even see my knees? And how do you know that some whipper snapper isn't a dirty ol' man at a very young age and doesn't have bodgey knees from a sporting incident?" Besides, I'd be the better choice cos the beard is authentic and some upstart kid who doesn't get his own way can't pull it off to expose me as a fraud. Moreover, my girth is also genuine so my gut will fill the suit better than some young whipper snapper who has to pad it to look the part."
It didn't matter, nothing I said made a difference and the chose the young whipper snapper with bodgey sporting knees and the false beard... and who knows what downloaded to his phone. So what!!! Did I really want to sit there for hours sweating like buggery in a fecken Santa suit?. More to the point, I wouldn't be sitting there with snotty nosed, smelly kids on my lap with squelchy [and possibly leaky] diapers on. I dodged a bullet, me thinks.
BTW, the bit about my beard being white and not my natural hair colour, that's not fictional. 
These days I only get a pension and Laser threatments here in Oz don't come cheap. Besides, where d' the fun be in that? There'd be no growing 'soup strainer' beards that 'd prompt short works of fiction like this one... or long ones, for that matter. 
