Ut-Oh! Looks like Bianca is bringing back the battle of the sexes jokes!
I'm staying out of this...could get messy!

Girls wearing Lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are instructors, and then there are EDUCATORS.

Buffalo Theory

One afternoon at WC, mrtee was explaining the Buffalo Theory to Kimbabe. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Kim, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks."

The best part of that is I drove a beer truck for 6 years, went into selling whiskey and wine for 5 years, was a bartender for 6 years, delivered cigs, chips, candies, chemicals, etc. to bars for 7 years, and a few other occupations thrown in. I don't drink anymore (the joke would be "or any less for that matter.") This May I'll have been working in the housekeeping dept. of a hospital for 7 years. That's a lot of toilets, floors, garbage and linen.

Passing on a joke or 2 during the day helps to pass the time and gets smiles from patients and staff alike.

So keep 'em comming and I'll send mine back.

You might enjoy this one;

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
Passed along by Wayne Clark
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM" (Ad)
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it would normally take less that one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical morass".
You will know it when you see it.

The Lone Ranger & Tonto stopped for a rest.

Tonto put his ear to the ground, looked at the Lone Ranger and said "Ugh, kemosabe, buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger responded "How do you know that Tonto?"

Tonto stood up, wriggled a finger around in his ear and said "Ground wet."



> >

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!

*Kim*

Little Golden Books That Never Made It:

1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?


A. There's one less drunk at the wake.



Feel free to substitute any group for Irish.

HEY!! I'm part Irish and I totally resemble that remark!!!

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you
were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so
relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS
GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived
just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of
water.

He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after
getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

nice one. He's just too funny

Another good one, Keila

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,

"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,

"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."

Opps! Double post! Looks like the jokes on me today!

Drive on

After getting all of Pope John-Paul's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never come to
work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. " I'm gonna lose
my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five. " So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"

"Bigger."

"The President?."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?"

"Cause he's got the Pope as his chauffeur"

some things to think about from my old bible school classes:

If god always was, and always will be ... what did he do before?

Moses took 2 of every animal on the ark right? If so, did he bring 2 ducks, if so why?

Because he wanted to eat one of them for dinner of course.....

Nah, wasn't Moses, he wandered in the desert.

Noah built the ark. And shipped on it as well.

Another trick question, teaches you to really read what is written there and not make assumptions... hehe

true - my bad - ummm

knock knock.
who's there?
interrupting cow.
Interrupting c..MOOOOOOO!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT Richard Schvanski, Corporate Communications
SOUTHCOAST BELLCOM TO CLEAN PHONE AND INTERNET ACCESS LINES
Los Angeles, CA - March 25, 2003 - Southcoast Bellcom, a subsidiary of PCG Communications, is preparing to join telephone companies throughout the U.S. in a nationwide "cleaning" of all phone and telecom lines this Sunday. "We do this about every 10 years," said a Richard Schvanski, spokesperson for the National Telephone Association. "Over time, dust collects in the lines and this leads to weak connections and static, as well as to broken and slow Internet connectivity."
To clean the lines, Schvanski said, all telephone companies will use air compressors at their central locations in each city to blow a blast of air through phone lines and cable networks. The 10-minute process will cause dust to blow through telephone receivers, fax and answering machines, and both traditional PC and DSL modems in homes and offices throughout the U.S.
Schvanski explained that most people are being urged to set a newspaper under their telecom device before going to bed Sunday night. The cleaning will be done between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. so as to disturb as few people as possible, he said. In the past, the spokesperson said, some people have put a plastic baggy over their telephone's handset to catch the dust, or wrapped the handset with a cloth to keep dust from getting on their furniture. Cell phones, pagers, and other wireless devices are not affected.

Got that?

I don't know if this has been posted yet, if it has sorry

A blonde and a brunette was watching T.V.
The news was on and there was a guy threating to jump off of a building.
The brunette says,"I bet you 5 dollars that that guy jumps."
The blonde say,"OK."
The guy jumps off the building.
The blonde hands the brunette 5 dollars.
The brunette says," I can't take your money, I watched the news earlier and I knew he was going to jump.
The blonde says," I watched the news to and I really didn't think he was going to jump again."

Todie!


A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(Silence!)

PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

Kimbabe