First off, I should make it clear I do not, nor ever have, condoned the sacrifice of virgins to appease malevolent Dragons, attempted to destroy an endangered species or urinated on the Welsh Flag. In the fantasy genre, the Dragon bestrides the world like a colossus for reasons as varied as the creatures themselves. Let’s take a look at a few from celluloid and software to see if we can draw any conclusions.

Vermithrax Perjorative (Dragonslayer)

Vermithrax Pejorative was the best Dragon to grace cinema. If you scream ‘But it wasn’t even CGI !!!?!! lolhaxornewb!!’ then please leave our name and address so I can come round to your house and explain to you what a fucking idiot you are.

Incidently, if you haven’t seen this movie you should do. It’s on Youtube so you have no excuse.

Factoid- 25% of the movies’ budget went on the Dragon. Instead of stop-motion they used ‘go-motion’ that reduced jerkiness found in previous special effects.

Dragon Rating- Smokin’ (8.5/10)

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Smaug (The Hobbit)

Smaug was a huge fire-breathing lizard that slept upon a huge pile of gold and treasure. A bit like Donald Trump, only with a more convincing head of hair.

Smaug was eventually defeated when he absent-mindedly invited his Accountant brother-in-law around for dinner, and got sent down for 25 years for tax evasion. Any other version of the story is HOBBIT PROPAGANDA.

Factoid- After being murdered by a sneaky bowman after trying to get his stuff back, Smaug signalled the end of the Great Dragons and vigilantism in general.

Dragon Rating- Wyrmed into our affections (8/10)

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Firkraag (Baldur’s Gate 2)

Firkraag was a jerk. As if being the offspring of a God of Murder wasn’t bad enough, this lizardly douche liked nothing better than to play with you like some demented Newton’s Cradle. Possessing wings but no flying (a limit of the Infinity Engine, alas) and strong magical abilities which could pass on to the player in the form of ‘smash computer to a thousand pieces’ spell when your party died for the sixth time trying to take the bastard down.

Factiod- Firkraag was voiced by Jim Cummings of Winnie-the-Pooh fame.

Dragon rating- Oh child of Bhaal… (7.5/10)

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Falkor (The Never-ending Story)

Falkor was the only ‘outed’ dragon in the list and was openly gay after a memorable guest appearance on Oprah Winfrey (less shocking than Tom Cruise’s jumping up and down on sofa crap anyhow). Falkor was a Luckdragon, though I suspect the ‘L’ was once an ‘F’ and used by other dragons to describe how they had to look over their shoulders when taking a shower in a waterfall.

Falkor is the least threatening and most wussie Dragon to have at your side during a fight. If you want someone at your side at the Roulette table in Vegas, however…

Factoid- I don’t actually have any evidence that Falkor is gay. If Falkor or his Lawyer are reading this, please read ‘allegedly’ at the start of the description.

Dragon rating- Puff the mincing Dragon (6/10)

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Draco (Dragonheart)

Dammit this stupid CGI thing even tries to look like Sean Connery. As you may have gathered I have no real affection for crappy generated images as they look too clinically clean and have no depth. Draco’s line of ‘I *am* the last one!’  has never made me thank God personally as it meant there would be no sequels when he snuffed it. At least, in theory.

Factoid- Dennis Quaid is the best thing in this movie, and if you don’t agree please leave your name and address so I can come round to your house and- okay, you get the message. I will also accept Dina Meyer.

Dragon rating- Shaken, stirred, and downright disheartened (3.5/10)

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Eborsisk (Willow)

I love Willow, in fact I’m listening to the theme tune right now. This stop-motion monster probably wasn’t a dragon at all, but it breathed fire and it’s my thread so there. No wings and being spawned from troll guts may bring Eborsisk’s Dragon lineage into question somewhat, but if a Kenyan can get into the White House one suspects the least of Madmartigan’s concerns was worrying about his opponents’ birth certificate.

Factoid- the name is a pun on movie reviewers Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. It has been pointed out the name should be Ebersisk, but that would mean George Lucas would be guilty of getting something wrong which is of course inconceivable *raises eyebrow suggestively*.

Dragon rating-   Stop.       motion.      excellence. (8/10)

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Icasaracht (Icewind Dale: Heart of Winter)

Continuing the ‘Dragon as evil mastermind/jerk’ theme, the white dragon matriarch had a convoluted plan to be reborn into the bodies of her children and take revenge on the Ten Towns after being fired as senior planning department head… or something. Sadly her majesty was brought down by a rugged Paladin with the unfortunate name of Giles Thundertrousers. At least in my game, anyhow.

Factoid- Icasaracht’s voice is provided by Barry Dennen, who also VO’d the Chamberlain from The Dark Crystal.

Dragon rating- ‘She’s as cold as ice… she’s willin’ to sacrifice… her children.’  8/10.

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Papa Dragon (Reign of Fire)

Actually this CGI Dragon isn’t too bad, though personally I’d rather go up against it than Christian Bale if I worked as Director of photography and got in his line of sight during a shoot. Set in the grim north of England (I know it well), the Dragon’s reign ends when a bunch of Americans turn up, get killed and Bale fires an explosive crossbow bolt into the creature’s mouth. Don’t worry if that sounds contrived, it wasn’t the only hole in this mediocre movie.

Factoid- The third movie along with Dragonslayer and Dragonheart to be set in Britain. Seems the common view is that the island is overrun with Dragons which is patently absurd; when I drove to work this morning I saw only three and one was probably a 747.

Dragon rating- Dragon has glorious reign, but rest of movie can’t be Bale’d out. (7/10)

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Conclusion-

Well we can derive the following as to why Dragons are awesome-

-They don’t take shit from anyone, even Christian Bale.

-They are often a mastermind of schemes that even SPECTRE would consider plagiarising (Personally I reckon Firkraag would use James Bond as a tooth pick in no time).

-They can usually breath fire, which is similar to smoking which as we all know makes you look cooler*.

-They can often fly and don’t bother with licenses, paper-work and that flight plan BS. Ergo anti-authoritarian badasses.

- They hoard gold like demented Swiss lizards, so they don’t contribute to a Banker’s salary, or pay tax (though Smaug got caught I respect his stance).

 * THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT CIGARETTE SMOKING IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH.