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Why Puppies Suck

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Why Puppies Suck

from JoeUser Forums

Okay. I know I'm likely to get flamed for the title, and content, of this article. But I just have to vent.

Puppies suck. And I'll tell you why: No household pet on the planet is more destructive, less disciplined, and smells worse (all the time, not just occasionally like a skunk) than a rotten, god-forsaken, evil little puppy.

In 34 years, I'd never had a puppy. I remember growing up with dogs, but they spent most of their time in the back yard, and came into the house only during sever weather. And they were all adult dogs, which is a totally different case than that of a puppy. But three months ago, I made the fatal mistake of letting my wife convince me (through much whining and double-talk) of going with her to look at puppies. A breeder in town had an "accident" when her pug had a secret tryst with a neighborhood dachshund, resulting in five odd little monsters. They were cute, and particularly well-behaved when we went to see them (cute puppies are pure evidence of biological evolution; if not for their cuteness, man would have slaughtered puppies into extinction long ago), so I gave in and said she could get one and bring it home.

Not a day has gone by since when I haven't regretted the weakness of my resolve.

More than half of my two-year-old daughter's toys are permanently ruined. And if she wasn't growing out of her clothes as quickly as we bought them for her, she'd be suffering on that front too. I've had to buy three pairs of shoes in three months, my wife two. Not an inch of carpet has escaped the puppy's bodily discharges. The leather couch we bought less than 18 months ago looks like we got it from Goodwill. Our cats live in constant and debilitating fear. Our back yard looks as though we've been invaded by a vicious family of dire-gophers.

I read somewhere that serial killers often practice their craft on puppies when they are young. I think the mental health profession has it backwards: I believe puppies drive perfectly sane and well-adjusted youngsters into raving sociopaths.

I'm at my wit's end. I spend more time cleaning up after my "adorable" little mutt than I do any other single thing in my life. I'm hoarse from yelling at her to stop jumping in my daughter's face ever six seconds. My wardrobe is ruined to the point that I look like a vagabond when going to work. Try as I might, I cannot get the smell of her, or her excrement, out of my house. Etc, etc.

Puppies suck.

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23,911 views 35 replies
Reply #26 from Stardock Forums Top

I know that hindsight is 20/20, but I think I know two of your downfalls to puppy doom:

1) Puppies and 2 year olds- the worse mix on earth.  Though amazingly adorable, the 2 should never exist in a house at the same time, at least not on purpose.

2) Dachshund.  Did you research the breed first?  I don't know much about pugs, but I know A LOT about dachshunds (I have 4 and had an older one that died a few years ago.

Dachshunds mellow with age.  However, they require massive "teaching" and a constant eye when they are pups.  They may be small, but as I like to call them, they are still crazed weasels.  They are smart, quick, and simply insane as pups.  They are lovable and will turn into a lap dog when older, but you have to keep on the training when young or they will eat your house.

I have a few helpful suggestions that you may have tried, but I'm throwing it out there anyway:

1) Gate off anything you can and put shoes behind the gate.
2) Crate train the weasel.  It's as much for their good as yours.
3) This is a painful one- weasels are better if there are two of them.  They tend to play with each other and leave the shoes as a second choice.
4) Put USA made raw hides everywhere, especially in the same area that you would find shoes.  If the weasel has a shoe, trade it out with a chew toy and praise them with the chew toy.
5) Get pop can and throw a penny in each one.  Tape the top.  Shake it when the weasel is being bad.  It's more effective then yelling, and the weasel will usually drop the shoe and run.
6) Did I mention crate training??????  Yeah, crate train.

Puppies are not easy, but the puppy time is short lived.  The most insane weasels that I have had have turned into the sweetest, best dogs in the end.  So, you just need to find a balance in your house and keep the weasel from eating the couch.

My first crazed weasel used to get under the couch, lay flat on his back and chew the underside of the couch. My second weasel liked to chew on electrical cords.  My third weasel wouldn't sleep through the night and liked to chew on everything. My crazy weasel pair of 9 month old pups came from a rescue home.  The rescuer gave them old shoes as play toys (yeah, that has worked out well).  The three older weasels all outgrew their insanity and turned into total lapdogs.  I'm still converting the younger weasels, though.  They are a bit trickier because one is mellow but the other is a tazmanian devil in disguise.

Reply #27 from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks for all the advice, even (and especially) little-whip. BTW, great poem. :LOL:

I'll see if I can get the pictures linked correctly (they worked the other night, but Picassa must use some kind of dynamic adressing, so they don't work now).

Just an update for those that are interested: We're getting Bella (and ourselves) into some training classes. We've already checked into PetSmart for that, but I was wondering if anyone had any feedback on their program versus others, or any recommendations on that front.

We have been crate-training Bella from early on (no choice really; my wife and I both work around 10 hours each day), and finally she (the puppy, not my wife; if only...) is to the point where she'll go to her kennel, get in and lie down when we say "Bella, kennel". It's nice to see progress.

Still coming up short on the only-outside expulsion of her bowel and bladder. With time...

I put a couple of rocks in an empty Slimfast can and sealed the top this morning. Haven't tried it out yet, but hopefully it will help in keeping Bella in line.

Again, thanks to everyone for letting me vent, and for all the helpful advice.

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Reply #28 from JoeUser Forums Top

Let's see if this works instead.

Here's a link to pictures of Bella and Gabbie:

Picasa/misterme

Let me know!

Reply #29 from JoeUser Forums Top
They worked....those ics of the baby are older right? That's no two year old...heh.

I love the one of the puppy with the shoes....haha
Reply #30 from JoeUser Forums Top

Quoting Tova7, reply 38
They worked....those ics of the baby are older right? That's no two year old...heh.I love the one of the puppy with the shoes....haha
End of Tova7's quote

Heh...Yeah. The pics of Gabbie are very old. We've just been sending all her recent pics straight to the mailing list of our family and friends, instead of hosting them on the gallery.

All the pics of Gabbie on Picasa are of her first few weeks. Certainly looks nothing like that now.

Admittedly, Bella's are of her when we first brought her home, as well. I'll have to find the ones of her most recent, or take some new ones once I've figured out what's wrong with our camera. AS soon as I do, I'll update Picasa and throw a post up here.

Reply #31 from JoeUser Forums Top

Quoting little-whip, reply 40
Oh and 'Bella' means 'beautiful' in Italian.
End of little-whip's quote

My wife grew up with a dachshund named "Daisy" (who passed a few years ago), and in her honor wanted to name the puppy something flowery. As a joke, and in keeping with my article, I suggested "Belladonna" (which I'm pretty sure is a poisonous plant, and which I'm also pretty sure I didn't mention to my wife until after we'd been calling her that for about a week), and it stuck...

I think the literal translation from Latin is "beautiful dancer", but my Latin's a little rusty (isn't everyones?).

Reply #32 from JoeUser Forums Top

little-whip,

Thanks for the advice. I'll share it with my wife and we'll get on that potty-training plan ASAP.

She's been good with her crate, and even at 10-hour stretches has had only two or three minor accidents inside it. But maybe we could get our stay-at-home-mom neighbor next door to come in and let her out in the middle of that stretch.

We're doing most of what you mentioned (she's taken out at least once an hour when we're home, since we both smoke but don't do so in our house), but neither of us us have been consistent about praising her emphatically when she goes outside (I usually let out a muffled "good girl", but that's about it for me), and I do yell at her when I find a mess or puddle in the house, regardless of how long it's been there. So we'll try it the way you describe, and hopefully that will be the virtual end of that little issue.

Thanks.

Reply #33 from JoeUser Forums Top
I hope your neighbor is willing to help, maybe you can trade some babysitting services for her assistance.
End of quote


Amen to that.

Reply #34 from JoeUser Forums Top

Here's a link to pictures of Bella
End of quote

Awwww!  She is so cute!!!

Reply #35 from JoeUser Forums Top

Quoting little-whip, reply 44
I hope your neighbor is willing to help, maybe you can trade some babysitting services for her assistance.
End of little-whip's quote

Heh...As much as I complain about Bella, I'm not sure that would be like trading Honolulu for Hades. :SURPRISED: Imagine my article written instead about two ferocious little beasts whose behavior is quite identical to what I describe, but with the added advantage of opposable thumbs and the ability to talk back...

And here's to hoping she doesn't come across this blog and read all the comments and find this one... ;P