what's your sign? horoscopes that will rock your socks off.
i made these up for no reason but people liked them.
http://www.loserturdmafia.com
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
i had some horoscopes on my website but since i am taking them off there i might as well put them up here. TO LIVE ON FOREVER!!!! *echo-o-o-o*
JUNE HOROSCOPES -- just as trivial as the ones in magazines!
Aries
The moon is in retrograde. Mars aligns with the bull. You're senses are heightened on Wednesday when you smell lots of stuff. Love is in the air, or that might just be a fart. In short...
You are fucked. Run. Run as fast as humanly possible. Thank you for shopping.
Taurus
Have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling? Well, you will this month when your period is something awful (and that's putting it lightly). Now that I think about it, you may have miscarried. Call the doctor and hop in the stirrups. It's for your own good. If you are a guy, walk it off.
Gemini
The Gemini is the twin. If you didn't know that you are dumb...and I hate you. Your twin personally is coming out this week. You sure don't notice because your personalities so are damn alike that they are the same. Isn't that down-right creepy?
Sleep at least eight hours Tuesday night or you will get hit by a car.
Cancer
Hello Cancer. Yes, I know who you are. And I can see you. I live in your computer and feast on the "cookies" you leave here. I thank you for the porn sites. I love them, as do you. I watch you play with your yummy parts and it delights me. But enough about me, how have you been?
Your lucky numbers are 2, 18, 37, and ¡Ç.
Leo
Well well, mister/miss Leo. You have been having fun lately. And it will all be crashing down. Eat a carrot at 6:05am on Monday and drive with your right hand only on Thursday and you might make it out alive. Good luck.
Virgo
Do you smell that? And, no, it wasn't the dog!
Libra
There is a long journey in your future. A long lost loved one comes back...from the dead. And your dog dies. What? You don't have a dog? I knew that...I swear I did. I tell fortunes damn it, I know everything!
Scorpio
You have many tests this week. These may be physical, mental, or social. Bump up your stats in mental and you shouldn't have to retest. Unless the other guy has more mental, but you know to just bid low so he doesn't know your true stats. (lame Vampire: the Masquerade reference.)
Sagittarius
Venus is feeling a bit blotted. Sorry, but thems the breaks. This means you must vomit regularly and eat dirt. I know it sounds stupid. I didn't make up the rules, ok?
Capricorn
Capricorn sounds kind of like crap-a-corn. That makes me laugh.
Aquarius
You are a water sign, hence the waves in your life. Duh. I can't believe you sometimes, you know that? Anyway, even though I am so not in the mood to right now, I'm going to give you your fortune. Write this shit down, it's crazy.
Seven! Pie! Have! Nipplebee!
Pisces
You have cancer.
JUNE HOROSCOPES -- just as trivial as the ones in magazines!
Aries
The moon is in retrograde. Mars aligns with the bull. You're senses are heightened on Wednesday when you smell lots of stuff. Love is in the air, or that might just be a fart. In short...
You are fucked. Run. Run as fast as humanly possible. Thank you for shopping.
Taurus
Have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling? Well, you will this month when your period is something awful (and that's putting it lightly). Now that I think about it, you may have miscarried. Call the doctor and hop in the stirrups. It's for your own good. If you are a guy, walk it off.
Gemini
The Gemini is the twin. If you didn't know that you are dumb...and I hate you. Your twin personally is coming out this week. You sure don't notice because your personalities so are damn alike that they are the same. Isn't that down-right creepy?
Sleep at least eight hours Tuesday night or you will get hit by a car.
Cancer
Hello Cancer. Yes, I know who you are. And I can see you. I live in your computer and feast on the "cookies" you leave here. I thank you for the porn sites. I love them, as do you. I watch you play with your yummy parts and it delights me. But enough about me, how have you been?
Your lucky numbers are 2, 18, 37, and ¡Ç.
Leo
Well well, mister/miss Leo. You have been having fun lately. And it will all be crashing down. Eat a carrot at 6:05am on Monday and drive with your right hand only on Thursday and you might make it out alive. Good luck.
Virgo
Do you smell that? And, no, it wasn't the dog!
Libra
There is a long journey in your future. A long lost loved one comes back...from the dead. And your dog dies. What? You don't have a dog? I knew that...I swear I did. I tell fortunes damn it, I know everything!
Scorpio
You have many tests this week. These may be physical, mental, or social. Bump up your stats in mental and you shouldn't have to retest. Unless the other guy has more mental, but you know to just bid low so he doesn't know your true stats. (lame Vampire: the Masquerade reference.)
Sagittarius
Venus is feeling a bit blotted. Sorry, but thems the breaks. This means you must vomit regularly and eat dirt. I know it sounds stupid. I didn't make up the rules, ok?
Capricorn
Capricorn sounds kind of like crap-a-corn. That makes me laugh.
Aquarius
You are a water sign, hence the waves in your life. Duh. I can't believe you sometimes, you know that? Anyway, even though I am so not in the mood to right now, I'm going to give you your fortune. Write this shit down, it's crazy.
Seven! Pie! Have! Nipplebee!
Pisces
You have cancer.
