Words of wisdom...

Well, uh, now that you mention it, buddy.... I could use a little help with this situation....

Are you saying that you need some REAL Friends right now?

OK, who did you kill and where is a good hiding place?

I know some good spots in the New Jersey Pine barrens.........

/koop plays motown hits REAL LOUD.

Oh, sorry. Thought you said you needed help moving YOUR body. Motown works for me.

never play leap-frog with a unicorn

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.


Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.


Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Bad spellers of the world - Untie!


When everything's going your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I finally got it all together but forgot where I put it...

Confidence is the feeling you have immediately before you fully understand the situation...

*writing that down in her journal of quotes*

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Some people have gears they don't even use...

One of my own....

The problem with mankind is that he is too intelligent to understand just how stupid he really is...

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish....

can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Thoughts to ponder....

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Do you need a head size cooler.

Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house," - Lewis Grizzard

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -
Marilyn Pittman

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

If you can't get rid of them, then confuse them by always answering with, "would you like fries with that?"