Uh... nice arse...

What? There's text as well....

What about the guy sueing Bank of America for $1,784 billion trillion dollars. His complaint is that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a spanish woman. He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected for incomplete routing numbers. He's also demanding an additional $200,164,000.00 court papers show. Talk about gettin' miffed!

Yeah...wouldn't you like to prang her? hehehe.

International
U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

January 13, 2009 | Issue 45•03 


NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday. 
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The U.N. Headquarters in New York has flags from all over the world and enough uranium to wipe Israel off the map.

News of the nuclear weapon first surfaced late last week when the United Nation's own watchdog group, the International Atomic Energy Agency, released startling new satellite photos of the uranium-based device. Shortly thereafter, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a short and brazen list of demands, calling on all nations to "bow down at once to social progress." 

"Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives," said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. "At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen." 

Added Ban, "We will no longer be ignored." 



The warhead, an Oralloy U-235 thermonuclear detonator encased in a long-range ballistic missile, is believed to be currently housed beneath the parking lot of the U.N. complex in New York. According to Pentagon officials, it is likely that the United Nations has already tested the weapon, and may in fact be prepared to deploy it if its demands for global harmony are not met. 

"All efforts are being made to engage this nationless threat in diplomatic talks, but so far, they remain uncooperative," U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said. "However, I can assure you that the United States will not be pushed around. We will not be bullied into limiting our carbon-dioxide emissions or honoring the conditions established by the Geneva Conventions. The United States will not bend." 

Speaking at a press conference Tuesday, President Bush echoed Chertoff's sentiments.

"This rogue group of unbiased mediators will not be tolerated," said Bush, who has promised to continue his eight-year pledge not to negotiate with the United Nations under any circumstances. "If the U.N. thinks it can force the world to appreciate the equality of all people and their right to live free of poverty, hunger, and inhumane treatment, I say to them, 'Bring it on.'"


While no country has admitted to selling enriched uranium to the United Nations, experts claimed that acquiring the necessary materials was probably fairly easy, as the U.N.'s own Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty has been largely disregarded since being signed in 1968.

"The Russians, the Israelis, a rogue Pakistani arms trader—there are plenty of people out there who could have done it," said Katherine Boushie, a world politics professor at Columbia University. "After all, who knows better than the United Nations where someone can find nukes? They've spent years watching nation after nation illegally stockpile arms. Might have been what pissed them off, actually."

Despite outspoken concerns from many nations, including North Korea, Iran, and Serbia, Secretary-General Ban has assured the international community that the U.N.'s nuclear arsenal will only be used for deterrent purposes. Chief among these is deterring other countries from thinking they can sign a chemical weapons ban and then act like the whole thing never happened, and coming to the U.N. only when it's convenient or profitable for them to do so. 

"I will say this as clearly as I can, so you all can hear me," said Ban, his finger hovering inches away from the small red button on his podium. "Either attend the next Follow-up International Conference on Financing for Development to Review the Implementation of the Monterrey Consensus, or prepare to suffer the consequences." 

Many, however, refuse to be intimidated by the peacekeeping organization's threats.

"They're bluffing," Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said. "The United Nations is still 15 years away from a nuclear bomb. Hell, they're 20 years away from achieving universal primary school education, and knowing them, they'll probably focus on that first."

No worries Doc...no one in the UN can agree on shit...they would never get enough to votes to push the button.

It almost sounds believable. Imagine that.

typical hillbillies

The decision to push the button would have to go through umpteen dozen 'resolutions' over several years... and then, once the decision to go ahead had been reached, there'd be forty twelve resolutions to work out exactly who's gonna push it.

I've heard it said that the UN is the worst group of procrastinators on the planet, but me thinks the wrong word was/is being used... mass-debators is more like it..

On the subject of Barack Obama, did anyone else hear about the inquiry into his "ties to old-time pirate money", and that this "ill gotten gain" was used to fund his presidential campaign?  Apparently, Michelle Obama is the great, great grandaughter of Blackbeard and a female buccaneer from Jamaica, and Barack Obama is being accused of marrying into money (illicit money at that) to help fund his political aspirations. 

Word has it that the instigators of this inquiry want Obama's presidency declared null and void if it can be proved that he used "pirate money" to fullfil his political ambitions. It is alleged that the Obama's have a safety deposit box in the Bank of Hawaii that contains several hundred gold dublooms, along with other booty items handed down by Blackbeard and his Jamaican mistress. And apparently, due to their extensive research into all things piratical, Johnny Depp and Geofrey Rush have been called as expert witnesses, as have several other cast and crew members of 'The Pirates of the Carribean' trilogy. 

Hmmm, I wonder if this is why the Obama's refuse to participate on International Talk Like a Pirate Day.