Well, I'm back, and everything is at least holding the illusion of working well for now. Let's try and answer a few of those questions:
Koasati: There comes a time in every person's life when they must reformat. I am cursed with an innate stupidity that makes me do it out of habit every few months. It's a habit carried forward from my win9x days, when such a thing was necessary. I find that after a reformat, there's less crap on my system that I don't actually need, and my machine runs a lot smoother and faster.
Splash!: No, I have the full version, MSDN edition (which means that you don't pay for it, you just convince your boss that it's a good idea to pay for it).
Griffinme: Onboard sound and video cards are the devil. I have an ATI Radeon 8500, which due to ATI's infamously terrible driver support, is probably to blame for a great deal of my problems, such as mIRC crashing whenever somebody pms me when it's skinned, or Advanced Administrative Tools giving strange errors whenever it tries to display any of those fancy Delphi tooltips with little pictures in them.
Jim: P4-1500 with 640MB of SDRAM, which should be more than enough. Of course, even if my machine barely met the minimum spec, it should just be slow, not a perpetual crash.
Personally I blame all of the manufacturers who had anything whatsoever to do with my machine. Intel, Microsoft and ATI are all horrible monsters and I pray for their death. I have given serious thought to going back to Win2k, but to be honest I don't really recall any more if that was much better, and I've grown used to some of the pleasantries that XP has graced me with. I think what I need is a shiny new machine, but unfortunately I don't think my local hardware supplier would give me much for 7 cents, some pocket fluff and a button.
AJC.