This is the USS. Montana requesting you imediately divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid colission... Over.

*please divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid colission..Over*

This is captian Hancock you will divert your course..over.

*Negative Captin im not moving any thing, Change your course..over*

Sir this is the USS Montana the second largest vessel in the north Atlantic fleet, you will change course 15 degrees north or I will be forced to take measures to ensure the safety of this Ship...Over.

*This is a light house mate..it's your call...........................hello?**

What is sad, is that it has probably happened. Immy shakes head at Navel Intelligence

Funny cat vid.

Wiz....you been listen in on me again???? Whoops....I didn't say that, you know nothing!

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. 

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." 

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. 

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. 

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,

"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

===============================================================================================

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

Doc, I thought that as I submitted the comment....c'est le vive!

Know how to prevent sagging? 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. 

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. 

"But what if my wife finds out?" 

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" 

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." 

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

===============================================================

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

....and trying quite a few of them....

great list wizard....

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn a "real" instrument. 
He went into a music store, pointed and told the music store clerk, "Gimme that red trumpet over there and that accordion." 
The clerk asked, "Are you a drummer?" 
The drummer looked surprised. "Yeah." 
The clerk said, "You can have the fire extinguisher, but we've got to keep the radiator!"

 
An 80 year old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal 
results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing 
mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?" 
  
George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's 
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! 
The light goes on.  When I'm done, poof!  The light goes off." 
  
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. 
  
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relation-ship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" 
  
"Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel.  "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"