Lou, you need to gain closure. The only way is through his (if it's him) punishment. The way to that is courage. This is not just for you, since rock spiders (pat. pend. Jafo) like him did it to others as well. They may gain the courage to testify as well, through you.
Part of the closure is therapy too. You need to realize just one thing: It was not your fault. [visualize Matt Damon and Robin Williams "Good Will Hunting"]. None of it was your fault.
i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle.
Exactly wrong. He is the guilty one. You quake in fear of him? Are you afraid of what people might think of you? Who are they to judge? You have a right to live your life as who you are. Period.
i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me.
That's what we, among others, are for. You need to be in therapy. Every rape/violence victim does. You see, rape is not about sex. It is about power.
So, are you going to surrender your right to be yourself and live without fear, as well as your power to him or not?
You live on an island fortress. It, and it's brave people stood against the insanity and rape by the Nazis. You now must find the same courage your parents and grandparents found to stand against your personal Nazi (for that's exactly what he is).
I personally am rooting for you. I believe in you even though you do not.
G-d believes in you even if you don't believe in G-d. G-d planted that seed of courage in everyone. It's up to you to make it grow.
Once you do, you'll find you won't have to work hard to tend it: It will, in fact, sustain you.
I hope you find the seed, Lou. I truly do.