Y'know, I really need to write something...though my time is a bit constrained. I have finals next week (well, I have a lab final tomorrow) and I've been writing papers and studying books and doing this thing called 'learning' quite a bit these last few weeks. Gettin' pretty annoying, I tell ya. Hopefully when all's said and done I can get back to actually being creative and stuff...maybe next semester will be more kind with the homework load. 
Anywho, here's some more headlines...might be kinda long...haven't done one of these in awhile.
"Amsterdam to Close Many Brothels, Marijuana Cafes"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 6
Goodbye tourism industry.
"Latvian Spooks Spirit Away Gloomy Economist"--headline, Times (London), Dec. 7
Well, dying is one way out of the financial crisis.
"Pentagon Expanding Number of Aliens Recruited"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 6
Oh, they have problems with Mexicans but Martians are okay?
"Court of Appeals Rules Couple Living Apart Not 'Living Together' "--headline, Metropolitan News-Enterprise (Los Angeles), Dec. 5
Judge State the Obvious presiding.
"Louisiana's State Dog Makes a Colorful Companion"--headline, Houma (La.) Courier, Dec. 5
If it's the same color as the "present" he left on the rug, I want nothing to do with it.
"How Lizard Spit Aids Diabetes Cure"--headline, Times of India, Dec. 7
French kiss two lizards and call me in the morning.
"Internet Makes Polarization Easier"--headline, Ann Arbor (Mich.) News, Dec. 6
Oh, good. Looks like we solved that global warming problem. Thanks, Internet!
"Dorgan Won't Be Energy Secretary"--headline, Washington Post Web site, Dec. 6
Neither will I. Where's my article?
"Asthmatics Will Breathe 'Green' "--headline, Tampa Tribune, Dec. 2
That's...a bad thing isn't it?
"Twisty Ties, Tape, Staples Trap Barbie in Her Box"--headline, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Dec. 6
The new "Torture Me Barbie."
"Condoleezza Rice Decides to Destroy Europe"--headline, Pravda, Dec. 3
The Bush administration just doesn't know when to quit.
"Happiness Is Contagious: Study"--headline, Reuters, Dec. 5
Also: Fatal.
"Teens Under Pressure to Have Sex at Christmas"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Dec. 4
Santa's walked in on a lot of things...
"Man About to Be a Dad"--headline, News Leader (Staunton, Va.), Dec. 5
In other unremarkable news: Woman about to be a Mom.
"Homeless Moving Into Foreclosed Homes"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Dec. 2
Actually it's just the original owners coming back.
"Porn Is in the Air That We Breathe"--headline, CBC.ca, Nov. 28
And it could do with some Febreze.
"Ramapo Ranked Safest Place to Live in the United States"--headline, Journal News (White Plains, N.Y.), Nov. 24
Mostly because no one knows where the hell it is.
"Ramapo High Students Arrested With Gun in School"--headline, Journal News, Nov. 26
Oh...nevermind then.
"Squid With 'Elbows' Captured on Video"--headline, AOL News, Nov. 30
If you want to keep your elbows, don't tease squid.
"Zoo Creates Ornaments From Reindeer Dung"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29, 2008
Nothing says Christmas like the smell of pine needles, gingerbread, and balls of shit.
"Woman: Mother Used Piles of Animals to Keep Warm"--headline, WOKV-AM Web site (Jacksonville, Fla.), Dec. 1
Crazy cat ladies don't look so crazy now, do they?
"Recession: When the Money Goes, So Does the Toxic Wife"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Nov. 27
It's good to find the silver lining.
"Vatican Warns That Mobile Phones Threaten the Soul"--headline, Cellular-News.com, Nov. 25
God does not appreciate 4AM drunk prayer texts.
"Mobile Phones Eavesdrop on Aussie Koalas"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 25
Shh, I can hear them talking about eucalyptus.
"Vomiting Bug Traps Pensioners on Riverboat"--headline, Local (Germany), Nov. 25
That's either one big bug or a whole lot of vomit. Perhaps both?
"Tips to Stop Wild Turkeys From Terrorizing You"--headline, Boston Globe Web site, Nov. 19
Quit hunting and eating their friends and family?
"Dead Body Found in Cemetery"--headline, News Virginian (Waynesboro, Va.), Nov. 14
I found a living body in my bed once. Turned out it was me. 
"Scientists Find New Penguin, Extinct for 500 Years"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 19
Not really that new is it?
"Clicking Knees Are Antelopes' Way of Saying 'Back Off' "--headline, BMC Biology press release, Nov. 15
Ah, a modification of the Wizard of Oz defense.
"Prosecutors: Man Shot 45 Times by Best Friend Lived Through First 32 Shots"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 14
With friends like these...
"Exploding Toilet Sends Boy to Hospital"--headline, ParentDish.com, Nov. 13
Well, you shouldn't eat Indian and Mexican within 24 hours of each other.
"The Government Is Losing Its Mind"--headline, FoxBusiness.com, Nov. 13
Surprised it had one in the first place.
" 'Daddy Llama' Reported Missing Near Peach, Crawford County Line"--headline, Telegraph (Macon Ga.) , Nov. 12
Is there a court for deadbeat llamas?
"Radioactive Beer Kegs Menace Public, Boost Costs for Recyclers"--headline, Bloomberg, Nov. 11
What kind of sick bastard plays God with beer kegs? They'll destroy us all!
"You're Never Too Old to STRUT YOUR STUFF"--headline, Star Press (Muncie), Nov. 12
Unless strutting is against doctor's orders.
"Fake Penis Under Attack for Staying Limp"--headline, Irish Sun, Nov. 10
It's probably just scared. Give it some time.
"Fort Worth Police Find 100 Dead Cats Wrapped in Foil Inside Refrigerators"--headline, Dallas Morning News, Nov. 7
Mmm, leftovers.
"Parents of Minn. 7-Year-Old Find Methamphetamine and $85 in Cash Among His Halloween Treats"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 4
That was one hell of a Halloween.
"Andover Man Shot With Crossbow, Beaten With Bat, Run Over, Burned"--headline, Star Tribune (Minneapolis), Nov. 3
And you thought your day was bad.
"Study: Women's Hands Dirtier Than Men's"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 3
Conclusive evidence of cooties.
"Taiwanese Dogs Abandoned as Owners Cut Costs Amid Global Economic Crisis"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 1
Or sautéed...one of those.
"Flushed Condoms Trigger Sewage Catastrophe"--headline, Phuket (Thailand) Gazette, Oct. 30
Magnum XXXXXXXL
"Women's Voices Become More High-Pitched During Ovulation"--headline, UCLA press release, Oct. 29
That's called shrieking...and trust us, we know.
"Microsoft Says Next Windows Won't Be as Annoying"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 28
*cough*bullshit*cough*
"Make Your Turkey Talk With a Regional Accent"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 24
Gobble gobble, y'all.
"Let's Go to Torture Land!"--headline, Daily Herald Web site (suburban Chicago), Oct. 21
You first!
"Giant Colon Headed for Georgian Mall"--subheadline, Barrie (Ontario) Examiner, Oct. 20
Oh, shit...
"Got Unhappy STD News? Break It With an E-Card"--headline, CNN.com, Oct. 21
Hey buddy, how is your day?
Sorry, but I have something to say.
Remember when we did the ol' tickle and slap?
Well turns out that now you have the clap.
If you made it through all that, good job.
~Zoo
