In an effort to procrastinate from doing my physics homework, I once again borrow Dr Guy's idea and present you with brilliant* commentary on recent headlines. 
*brilliant may be an overstatement, take it with a grain of salt
"Angry Pig Holds Woman Hostage"--headline, ABC News Web site (Australia), Sept. 23
Uh oh, it must've run out of lipstick.
"Train Crushes Railway Sex Couple"--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 22
That's a hell of a fetish right there. Shame you can only do it once.
"Designer Vagina Trend 'Worrying' "--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 23
Whole new meaning to the question 'Who are you wearing?'
"4 Years Later, Kerry Is Adjusting to a Narrower Stage"--headline, Boston Globe, Sept. 23
Hope he doesn't fall off.
"McCain, Obama Avoid Same-Sex Marriage"--headline, PlanetOut, Sept. 19
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
"Girls in Bikinis Cat Fight About Atheism"--headline, SocietyAndReligion.com, Sept. 21
Oh my Science! Why did I miss this?
"US Doughnut Chain Franchise to Expand Into Turkey"--headline, Franchise International, Sept. 21
Unfortunately the new "Turkeynuts" don't sound that appetizing.
"Woman Finds 'Goldilocks' Snoring in Her Son's Bed"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 19
Promptly sues for broken chair and stolen porridge.
" 'We Want the Goodyear Blimp Shot' "--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Sept. 19
Son of a bitch tried to steal my car!
"7 Sexy Hybrids You Can't (Yet) Buy"--headline, MSNBC.com, Sept. 18
Half woman, half beer cooler first on list.
"NJ Callers Dialing Dems Get Sex Chat Offer Instead"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 18
Huge rise in polls that day.
"Detroit Mayor's Name Replaced on Zoo Water Tower"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 17
Get the fuck off my tower!
"Fish Found in Boy's Penis"--headline, Daily Telegraph (Australia), Sept. 16
Guess it's time for that birds and the bees...and...fish talk.
"How an Eggbeater Could Power the Future"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 17
People scrambling for yolk powered engines boil with enthusiasm.
"Skokie Cops Say Peaches Stolen From Backyard Tree"--headline, Chicago Tribune, Sept. 17
Skokie's finest.
"The Future of Pot-Bellied Pigs Is Tonight"--headline, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Sept. 16
The past was last night.
"Albanian Parliament Gets Earful Over French Corn"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 12
I think they're eating it wrong...
"Giant Ice Penis--Is Climate Change to Blame?"--headline, Metro (London), Sept. 11
No, that just means it likes you.
"Tiny Water Bears Triumph Over Outer Space"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 11
The water bears will soon be our new masters.
"Government Officials Probed About Illicit Sex, Gifts"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 10
Yeah, go ahead and probe them. They love that.
"McCain and Obama on Same Side in War on Cancer"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 10
No one's on cancer's side? Surprising.
"Pooping Puffin Paralyzes Canadian Conservative Event"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 9
Try saying that 5 times fast.
"Dump the Car and Save BIG"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Sept. 8
Yay for insurance fraud!
"New Zealand Parrots Go on Rampage"--headline, Daily Telegraph, Sept. 5
Who let them watch Alfred Hitchcock movies?
"How Do You Tell When a Chicken Is Happy? Ask"--headline, Salinas Californian, Sept. 8
'Chicken, are you happy?'
*bawk* *bawk*
'I see.'
Well, that's all for me.
~Zoo
