Welcome!, Brave Adventurers, to my Workshop and Training Ground

{This ultimate source of all things was prepared under the tutelage of High Sage Knowitall Proclaimus the Third, Court Magician to King Ferdinand the 2nd, this day, the 33rd of the 231st year of the Cycle of Prosperity}

Let's begin shall we?

I.

While strolling leisurely through Babsa Yaga's Forest I spied a startling sight. Upon my word, a flotilla of great ships were moored in Emerald Bay. As the Forest is off limits to general riff-raff of the Land, I alone knew of this fleet's arrival.

II.

Being a rather furtive fellow when I need be, I skirted the Forest's edge and crept up upon a large gentleman standing very admiral-like on the beach. As he was gazing out at these ships I snuck up and had the unpleasant circumstance of a whiff of his person.

Yikes! I thought. An Ogre!

{Note: Ogres have a very peculiar smell. Much akin to Babsa Yaga's knitted winter stockings after she has worn them a few weeks with no washing.}

III.

I strode out from my hiding place and introduced myself.

IV:

"Good day sir, I am RuniCaster the Magnificent, high third class Magician of the Order of Ni. What business do you have here, what are these Ships doing here, where are y...."

My line of questioning was cut short by the Ogre's guffawing that had begun around the time I uttered "Magnificent".

Huh huh huh...Har Har

"Puny Runi!"

"U No Manifucent!"

"Me beegger dan uuuuu, har har!"

...

I can tell you I became quite angry at this fellow's jibes. Flabbergasted, I yelled:

“What is this Ship doing on Turtle Beach! Don't you know the Iguan Turtle is in danger of extinction! This Ship could veritably destroy a mother turtle's egg clutch if not careful.”

“Toitles? Dem tasty critters make a fine stew for mees men. We not move Boat!”

V.

Angrier than I was the day Brucilla Watkins told everyone I was a bad kisser, I was really angry by that time. Ogre or no, I resolved to remove his Ship from the turtle's beach. With a very strong swing of my MageSpear, I knocked the Ogre's Ship in to a thousand pieces....

VI:

The Ogre started spluttering then and seemed unable to speak. I thought mayhap he was choking on gods know what from his tea time meal.

“Stoopeed Mageeshan, now I am Mad!”

The Ogre fished in to a large sack at his waist, pulled a rather large stone out, and hurled it at MY person!

The stone struck my foot and hurt very badly I must say.

I sternly reprimanded the vagabond.

"How dare YOU strike a Third Class Mage of the Order of Ni!"

{Now, being a High Third Class Magician means I have acquired quite an array of fearsome magical spells and arcane knowledgery.}

While the Ogre Admiral was bent over laughing at how I had to hop around on one foot after his dastardly trick with his stone-throw, I began summoning the most fearsome aid I could.

{As a few days before I had been filing various petitions for equal rights for Marmalut eunuchs on the grounds of unconscious self-mutilation, I recalled that the Mistress Paxxion would most likely heed my summons as her assistance in translating Marmalutian scripture was quite handy. Mistress Paxxion is a very strict Beaurocratical Scroll Interpreter from the Elemental Plane.}

Poof!

Mistress Paxxion appears and assesses the situation quite rapidly.

{Elementals are, if nothing else, very astute and have a meticulous ocular for details.}

VII:

Mistress Paxxion gives that Ogre a stern talking to...

VIII:

What happened next was really uncalled for. It was very quick, but I think the Ogre Admiral actually poked his finger at Mistress Paxxion...I tried to warn him, but too late, the Mistress administered her punishment as only an Elemental can.

IX.

After the dust settled, and Mistress Paxxion had tsked tsked me a few times for consorting with Ogres, I gathered what resolve I had and commanded the remaining Ogre fleet to remove itself at once from Emerald Bay. Before the Fleet departed I took that opportunity to search the Ogre Admiral's personal quarters. There I came upon a startling sight.

A young maiden sat pouting on a seat of puffy pillows, chained to the cabin's post.

{She was quite beautiful and I am ashamed to say, quite scantily clad}

I took one moment to make my mind up about what must be done. Leaping dashingly to her side I sundered the chain's lock and pulled the young, buxom, fair maiden to her feet! She all but swooned in to my arms.

"O, brave adventurer, you have saved me from a sure and gruesome fate, most likely to be served as an entree at an Ogre feast. How can I ever repay your bravery?"

{While she spoke I was taken by the lovely perfume she smelled of and the revealing cut of her bodice...ahem}

I tell her to fear not, I have sent the Terrible Ogre Admiral's Invading Army back whence they came.

The young maiden's eyes are melting by that point {I can be quite Erol Flynn-the famed Minstrel, when I need be}. She invites me to choose any reward my heart may desire....

I choose.

BY ORDER OF KING FERDINAND THE SECOND!

ALL PERSONS PASSING THIS POINT MUST SUBMIT AN AGE VERIFICATION CHECK AT THE GATE!

CAUTION, THE IMAGE THY ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS QUITE SAUCY! PLEASE VIEW IN THE PRIVICY OF THINE OWN BEDCHAMBERS!

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Gate Watchman: "Hmm, okay, your old enuf to see this Laddie, go on down"................

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The End.